Are you always saying yes, even when you don’t want to? Do you put others’ needs ahead of your own because you feel guilty if you don’t? If you nodded along, you might be a people-pleaser—just like I used to be.
For years, I thought that to be a good person, I had to always put others first. I said yes to everything, constantly scanning my environment to anticipate everyone’s needs. Deep down, I thought saying no made me selfish or unkind.
But here’s the truth I wish I’d known sooner: You can still be a good person while putting yourself first. In fact, learning to prioritize your own needs can make you stronger, more balanced, and happier.
What is People-Pleasing Really About?
It might seem like people-pleasing is all about being nice to others. But in reality, it’s more about avoiding your own uncomfortable emotions—like guilt, sadness, or fear of disappointing others.
When you’re a people-pleaser, you agree to things you don’t want to do to avoid the emotional discomfort that comes with saying no. You don’t want to feel guilty for letting someone down or sad because they’re disappointed in you.
But here’s the thing: Feeling those emotions won’t break you. In fact, learning to tolerate them is the key to breaking free from people-pleasing.
The Turning Point: Learning to Handle Uncomfortable Emotions
The way I finally overcame people-pleasing was by realizing that I could handle the discomfort of someone else’s disappointment. When I learned to sit with those feelings—guilt, sadness, and all—without letting them control my actions, I started reclaiming control over my life.
Here’s what I discovered: those uncomfortable emotions pass. They’re not permanent, and they don’t define you. Once you learn to let them come and go, you can confidently say no to things that don’t serve you, without the fear of being “bad” or “selfish.”
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing
If you’re ready to stop people-pleasing and start putting yourself first, here’s a simple approach to get started:
- Recognise Your Triggers
Notice when you’re about to agree to something that doesn’t feel right for you. Are you saying yes because you genuinely want to, or are you avoiding an uncomfortable emotion? - Say No and Feel the Feelings
The next time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, politely say no. Then, let whatever feelings arise. You might feel guilty, worried, or uncomfortable—and that’s okay. These emotions will pass. - Wait it Out
When you say no, give yourself about 90 seconds to let the emotions rise and fall. Most uncomfortable feelings peak and then fade away within a short time. You’ll notice that once you’ve sat through the discomfort, it no longer has the same power over you. - Celebrate Your Progress
Every time you say no to something that doesn’t align with your needs, you’re building a stronger sense of self-worth. Celebrate each win—big or small—and recognise that you’re taking control of your life.
Being a Good Person Doesn’t Mean Saying Yes to Everything
There’s a common misconception that being a good person means always putting others first. But that’s simply not true. You can still be thoughtful, kind, and compassionate while honoring your own boundaries.
In fact, when you prioritize your own well-being, you’re able to show up more fully for others. You can give from a place of abundance, not exhaustion. And when you take care of yourself, you’re setting a powerful example for others to do the same.
Ready to Break Free?
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it. By learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and put yourself first, you can take control of your life, set healthy boundaries, and find greater peace and happiness.
Remember, it’s possible to be a really good person while still putting yourself first. So next time someone asks you to do something that doesn’t feel right for you, take a deep breath, say no, and let the feelings come and go.
You’ve got this.
Namaste